diving fist first

One of the school mums has been angrily dragging me to the Finchley Lido in disgust at my pedestrian attitude to my swimming training.

‘What stroke do you call that?’ my school-gate-mate despairs as I struggle to keep up.

‘Um.. Front crawl? Long stroke.. Long crawl? Sea swimming. I don’t know? Freestyling, man, it’s meant to stop me sinking. Help me float. Make me more efficient.’

‘Well. It’s f*****g slow.’

At least now the summer holidays have started I won’t have to dodge all the dive-bombing school swimming trips.

They take up half the pool. AND I bet they haven’t ALL gone to the toilet before diving in.

And where are their verruca socks? When I went swimming as a schoolboy, statistically one or two kids in each class had to endure the shameful stigma of wearing a verruca sock.

in the old days

Now a whole school and not even one sock. Verrucas haven’t been eradicated. You can still buy the latex socks. I checked on google. What’s wrong with people? They’re happy to look like dicks travelling to work wearing a facemask in case someone happens to sneeze swine flu into their gob. Yet they wouldn’t dream of sending their cheery brat to the swimming pool with a latex sock covering their verruca-encrusted foot to protect everyone else, – in case they get teased.

When I grew up, parents enjoyed dressing you in shameful stuff that would get you teased. They insisted on it. OR was that just my experience…

I guess there’s only one item of swimwear that I find as scary a verruca sock, and that’s the FISTGLOVE ™.

‘The WHAT?’ I asked my fellow Swim2Bestival swimmer Andrew, trying not to giggle like a schoolboy.

‘The FISTGLOVE ™’ explained Andrew, patiently, ‘ – when you wear it you can’t use your fingers, so it helps you practise using your whole body to power you through the water. I’ll just get them… I think they’re in the bedroom…’

Maybe not everyone is as smutty as me.

I hope not.

Though… Scarily,- according to wordpress, – this weekend two people came upon this blog having typed ‘wetsuits fetish boys’ into google. (- Um, maybe I should change that to ‘stumbled’ upon this blog.) So I’d better stop going on about FISTGLOVE ™.

However you’ve come across this blog, there’s just over a month left to please sponsor my swim to the Isle of Wight and help some really brave children with a lot worse to face than verruca socks (see previous posts) :

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

Thanks,

Off to the pool with my FISTGLOVE ™,

Love,

Ben x

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SWIMSTAKES!

These are some of the most popular search terms that have brought people to this blog this week, according to wordpress:

‘swimwear’

‘most dangerous shark in the world’

‘boys swimwear pics’

‘triathlon guys’

– I can only speculate about which of these searches faced the most disappointment.

As none of the search terms included ‘The Ben Gelblum Swim2Bestival office (or home) swimstakes ™’ , I had better remedy that with this easy-to-cut-out Ben Gelblum Swim2Bestival office (or home) swimstakes ™.

Just cut out these options and you can have a sweepstakes gamble type thing with your colleagues/friends/family about my athletic & fundraising prowess or watery demise in the Swim2Bestival on September 8:

SWIMSTAKES!

And if you’ve got time to do that, you’ve DEFINITELY got time to click on this:

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN 

and sponsor my once-in-a-lifetime athletic endeavour and help lots of children in urgent need of cancer treatment.

Do it today! It’s Neuroblastoma Awareness Week, so please spread the word!

Yours swimmingly,

or not really swimmingly today as I’ve got a sniffly nose,

Ben x

PS: sponsor me now: http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

Swimwear photos – as promised.

Woody concerned about his father

Sigh. So here are some swimwear photos as promised. And that’s the Isle of Wight in the background. Behind all the shipping.

Practising in the Solent was rather different than braving the gently-lapping crystal-clear waters of Ibiza last month, – where the only thing to worry about were ageing nudists on the beach – who seemed to be bending right over every time I came up for breath.

(What is it with naturists? They seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time bending right over, as if they’ve lost something very small in the sand that takes absolute ages to find. That’s not natural. That’s what my nine-year-old Rocky would refer to as pulling a moonie.)

I'll show you how it's done Dad

Anyway at least Rocky has finally stopped insisting on joining us on the 4 mile swim across to Bestival on the Isle of Wight, after swimming his heart out – and going backwards in the fast currents of the murky Solent.

He will be joining us by ferry on the day, as I feel it only right my boys see what may be their father’s final resting place.

We’ll be setting out just after midday on September 8 from GAFIR’S Lifeboat station, Portsmouth for this year’s event, hoping the tide will carry us to the left, then back in to land at Ryde on the Isle of Wight, rather than Zakynthos.

http://swim2bestival.blogspot.com/

The lifeboat guy looked less than impressed at my swiming prowess on this visit to the Solent. As we chatted, he looked me up and down, asking, ‘so are you a STRONG swimmer?’ ‘You’ve down this sort of thing BEFORE, right?’ Then as we parted his eyes went misty and he nodded ‘GOOD LUCK, MATE,’ in the sombre tone monkey keepers must’ve sent the first chimps into outer space with.

I was out of breath just struggling to squeeze into my wetsuit. My pal Andrew,- who’ll be doing the swim too, tried his best to hide his exasperation.

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Well I did promise swimsuit pix.

Eight weeks to go! There’s still time to sponsor me and help Families Against Neuroblastoma: http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN – splash the cash and I’ll post even more swimsuit photos!

And there’s still time to book tickets for Bestival and smugly appreciate the convenience of boat travel: www.bestival.net/

I’m off now for a serious sporting endeavour. School sports day and the dads’ race. Some of the dads were limbering up this morning and were bringing starting blocks and everything.

Wish me luck!

Ben x

Which is the most middle class festival?

Apparently, Michael Eavis has been gagging on his homegrown artichokes about how middle class Glastonbury’s become.

Worrying (-my favourite passtime) about how my speedos would fit in with Bestival’s fancy dress theme, I began to wonder which IS the most middle class festival?

In the old days festivals were affairs where you’d be scared to leave your tent in case you ran into people like this:

Nowadays, you’re more likely to be queuing for houmous & flatbread with people like this:

Eavis may have a point, especially as this year to get to Glastonbury you needed an array of fast-broadband computers to rival a stockbroker’s to bag a ticket online, unless you went VIP TeePee.

So WHICH is the most middle class festival?

Probably NOT Glastonbudget in Leicestershire which angrily shouts: “FACT- this year you wont even pay more than 50p for a hot drink! That’s a FACT!” The “World’s Best Tribute Festival. EVER” also boasts the Antarctic Monkeys, Blings of Leon, Oasish, the Fillers & “REAL ACT: Doctor & the Medics.”

And probably not V Festival. Because it’s in Chelmsford. Wear wellies to wade through the ankle-deep discarded fried chicken boxes, fast-food wrappers & ketchup.

So is it the Big Chillax – where you can get the best falafel this side of Tripoli?

The Sussex highbrow hijinks that is Lah-titude – where dodgy dancing will be put to shame by Saddlers Wells performers?

Is it one dreamt up by the smug marketing team of fruit smoothies, where it’s not just the music that’s live, but the yoghurt too?

Or is it indeed Bestival, with Pimms bus & Boden shop?

And if Bestival’s face-painters aren’t beseiged by yummy mummies, how about Breastival- ( www.thebreastfeedingfestival.org.uk ) where you can all lie in a giant breast-shaped circle, or be lectured on The Role of Men in Breastfeeding (- which I thought was looking sheepishly at your shoes?)

Lettuce know what you think, below – also any tips about not drowning on my swim2bestival appreciated! And any tips about how my speedos could fit in with this year’s Bestival’s fancy dress theme of ‘Rock Stars, Pop Stars & Divas’?

Sponsor me : http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN & I promise more pictures of me in my swimwear!

Love, Ben.