jellyfish soup

I was the only person swimming at the lido early this grey morning.

Unsurprising, as by this point in the summer holidays, it’s got the same water content as a urinal. And it was so cold, I’ve only just been able to coax my testicles back down again with the promise of a hot bath, with radox and everything.

And I doubt my balls would ever be decending again if they read all the headlines about the ‘Jellyfish Soup’ forming around the British coastline due to clement conditions for these unedifying floaty invertebrates.

Reading about all the stingy ones washing up on our shores, I can’t help but wonder if I’m allergic.

What if I get anaphlaptic shock on my charity swim to the Isle of Wight in three weeks’ time? ( http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN )

I don’t know about you, but I’ve often wondered about how I’d best like to die.

I’ve come to the dramatic. But I’d also quite like it to be in bed. In fact I’d like it to be both. At the same time… Something pervy and dangerous… Or a sinister bedroom murder…

Any of those would do. But certainly not at sea. And definitely not as some sort of anaphlaptic reaction – a death I can barely spell. And not after being inadvertently stung by a sort of bloated floating transparent slug.

Big jellyfish doing impression of Don King

So now this blog has an added element of suspense about whether I’ll swim all the way without some sort of mishap, feel free to cut and paste any bits for an obituary. Though please not the bit above about how I’d like to die. Not unless I really do manage to swim across the Solent and then actuallly do die in some sexy/sinister bedroom mishap.

And here’s a cut out and keep jellyfish guide issued by the Marine Conservation Society who are all very excited about the unprecedented proliferation of Jellyfish swarms around our shores:

don't really want to end up wearing any of these as a hat

And in the spirit of educating you lot about our wobbly friends, here’s some

AMAZING JELLYFISH FACTS:

Bastard jellyfish can still sting when they’re dead.

If I get stung by a jellyfish, it’s helpful to wee on me.

Jellyfish reproduce both sexually and asexually in one of nature’s most romantic celebrations of life. There’s daddy jellyfish and mummy jellyfish. When daddy’s sperm are ready, he gobs them from his mouth into the surrounding sea, where they swim into mummy jellyfish’s mouth and fertilize her eggs. The fertilized ‘planula’ are then abandoned over the sea bottom, where these unloved little blighters latch onto anything solid in their miserable lives, splitting asexually until there’s enough for a swarm.

In some parts, Jellyfish are a tasty snack. But do dry them first, as they go off quickly!

The box jellyfish kills more people than any other marine animal. If stung your chance of making it back to shore or surviving are virtually 0%. These great big bastards can move at 2 metres a second and have 64 arseholes.

The largest jellyfish ever found was a Lion’s Mane Jellyfish with tentacles 120ft long, making it the longest animal ever found.

Jellyfish are brainless. They’re not fish. They’re about 98% water. Like spongebobs they are almost plants, but not quite, as they have to eat stuff which makes them an animal. Or something like that. I don’t really care enough.

Just three weeks to go before I swim to the Isle of Wight, and if you don’t want me to bore you with any more jellyfish facts, please sponsor me & help Families Against Neuroblastoma help some brave young children battling this cancer right now:

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

Love,

Ben.

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