diving fist first

One of the school mums has been angrily dragging me to the Finchley Lido in disgust at my pedestrian attitude to my swimming training.

‘What stroke do you call that?’ my school-gate-mate despairs as I struggle to keep up.

‘Um.. Front crawl? Long stroke.. Long crawl? Sea swimming. I don’t know? Freestyling, man, it’s meant to stop me sinking. Help me float. Make me more efficient.’

‘Well. It’s f*****g slow.’

At least now the summer holidays have started I won’t have to dodge all the dive-bombing school swimming trips.

They take up half the pool. AND I bet they haven’t ALL gone to the toilet before diving in.

And where are their verruca socks? When I went swimming as a schoolboy, statistically one or two kids in each class had to endure the shameful stigma of wearing a verruca sock.

in the old days

Now a whole school and not even one sock. Verrucas haven’t been eradicated. You can still buy the latex socks. I checked on google. What’s wrong with people? They’re happy to look like dicks travelling to work wearing a facemask in case someone happens to sneeze swine flu into their gob. Yet they wouldn’t dream of sending their cheery brat to the swimming pool with a latex sock covering their verruca-encrusted foot to protect everyone else, – in case they get teased.

When I grew up, parents enjoyed dressing you in shameful stuff that would get you teased. They insisted on it. OR was that just my experience…

I guess there’s only one item of swimwear that I find as scary a verruca sock, and that’s the FISTGLOVE ™.

‘The WHAT?’ I asked my fellow Swim2Bestival swimmer Andrew, trying not to giggle like a schoolboy.

‘The FISTGLOVE ™’ explained Andrew, patiently, ‘ – when you wear it you can’t use your fingers, so it helps you practise using your whole body to power you through the water. I’ll just get them… I think they’re in the bedroom…’

Maybe not everyone is as smutty as me.

I hope not.

Though… Scarily,- according to wordpress, – this weekend two people came upon this blog having typed ‘wetsuits fetish boys’ into google. (- Um, maybe I should change that to ‘stumbled’ upon this blog.) So I’d better stop going on about FISTGLOVE ™.

However you’ve come across this blog, there’s just over a month left to please sponsor my swim to the Isle of Wight and help some really brave children with a lot worse to face than verruca socks (see previous posts) :

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

Thanks,

Off to the pool with my FISTGLOVE ™,

Love,

Ben x

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SWIMSTAKES!

These are some of the most popular search terms that have brought people to this blog this week, according to wordpress:

‘swimwear’

‘most dangerous shark in the world’

‘boys swimwear pics’

‘triathlon guys’

– I can only speculate about which of these searches faced the most disappointment.

As none of the search terms included ‘The Ben Gelblum Swim2Bestival office (or home) swimstakes ™’ , I had better remedy that with this easy-to-cut-out Ben Gelblum Swim2Bestival office (or home) swimstakes ™.

Just cut out these options and you can have a sweepstakes gamble type thing with your colleagues/friends/family about my athletic & fundraising prowess or watery demise in the Swim2Bestival on September 8:

SWIMSTAKES!

And if you’ve got time to do that, you’ve DEFINITELY got time to click on this:

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN 

and sponsor my once-in-a-lifetime athletic endeavour and help lots of children in urgent need of cancer treatment.

Do it today! It’s Neuroblastoma Awareness Week, so please spread the word!

Yours swimmingly,

or not really swimmingly today as I’ve got a sniffly nose,

Ben x

PS: sponsor me now: http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

NB awareness week

Quick reminder of why I’ve committed myself to this marine madness:- http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

(-Yes, apart from clearly having some sort of mid-life crisis involving leaving a proper job to squeeze into rubber suits and go to the seaside.)

This week is International Neuroblastoma Awareness Week, organised by the most single-minded mum I’ve ever come across.

Linza, 35, set up Families Against Neuroblastoma after enduring the most painful loss.
Linza described her son Max as a very handsome, cheeky, loving little boy. At just 5 months old, Linza’s son Max was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma. No one in the UK could help, so his family launched an appeal to raise the sums needed to take him to America. Max held on. But by the time they’d raised the funds necessary, Max was declared unfit to fly, and just hours later, as if he knew, he quietly slipped away in his family’s arms.

It is Linza’s reaction to her loss that’s so amazing. Setting up FAN (Families Against Neuroblastoma), she vowed to do her utmost every day to fight to give children like Max a chance to survive, and many have been saved.

Linza has got all kinds of charities all over the world involved to set up INTERNATIONAL NEUROBLASTOMA AWARENESS WEEK this week (find out more & ‘like’ : www.facebook.com/NBawarenessweek )

Linza and familes all over the world fighting to get treatment for children like Max are doing all kinds of interesting stuff this week.

Including this Kindness Voucher, based on an idea by an American boy Braeden Burgess who sadly lost a two-year fight with Neuroblastoma. So print it out, perform an act of kindness and help raise awareness of the charities that step in and help familes let down by postcode lotteries in health provision. There’s some urgent appeals on. In this country alone, about 100 children a year will need help to fight the UK’s most deadly childhood cancer.

For all these children, it’s a race against time.

And if spontaneous acts of kindness aren’t your thing, please sponsor me, then you can help these children fight Neuroblastoma, while having a laugh at my athletic incompetence: http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

Thanks,

Ben x

Loose Swimmin

So this blog doesn’t stray too far into the territory of outdoor fetish-wear, here’s a bit about swimming that I’ve just worked out.

In seven and a half week’s time (gulp) I’ll have to swim this far – about 4 miles, or 6 km from Gosport to where my son Rocky’s pointing, Ryde, on the Isle of Wight.

yeah, sure, Dad!

The fastest Swim2Bestival was an awe-inspiring 83 minutes last year, the slowest so far, just over 3 hours.
The trail I’ll be blazing on September 8th will probably be the aquatic equivalent of London Marathon’s slowest-ever ‘Brian the Snail’: however long it takes the ocean currents to bring me back to the Isle of Wight.
 
A beginner triathlete – ie: someone rather better at swimming than me – swims 25 yards front crawl in 20 strokes. If I can manage that, it should only take me me a total of 2,816 strokes to reach Ryde, burning a total 1,736 calories – the equivalent of 6 Marathons.
– I am, of course, not referring to the athletic endeavour, but the chocolate bar now better known as Snickers.
Watching TV apparently burns 145 calories per hour. Making my swim the equivalent of just under 11 hours of telly viewing.
– I guess that’s like watching a DVD boxset with all the extras.
I’ve never owned a DVD boxset, but I guess if I’m to attain such a level of fitness, I’d better be off to Blockbusters this afternoon to invest in some.
I wonder if Baywatch Series 1 burns off more than The Wire?
 

Anyway, enough about swimming.  This week will be International Neuroblastoma Week – find out more: http://www.familiesagainstneuroblastoma.org/

So help stop this child-killer claiming more lives & sponsor me now: http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN .

At least that’ll shut me up for a bit!

Why do I think this is important? Read this: https://fatboyswim.wordpress.com/about/

& feel free to comment below please,

All the Bestival,

Ben x

Swimwear photos – as promised.

Woody concerned about his father

Sigh. So here are some swimwear photos as promised. And that’s the Isle of Wight in the background. Behind all the shipping.

Practising in the Solent was rather different than braving the gently-lapping crystal-clear waters of Ibiza last month, – where the only thing to worry about were ageing nudists on the beach – who seemed to be bending right over every time I came up for breath.

(What is it with naturists? They seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time bending right over, as if they’ve lost something very small in the sand that takes absolute ages to find. That’s not natural. That’s what my nine-year-old Rocky would refer to as pulling a moonie.)

I'll show you how it's done Dad

Anyway at least Rocky has finally stopped insisting on joining us on the 4 mile swim across to Bestival on the Isle of Wight, after swimming his heart out – and going backwards in the fast currents of the murky Solent.

He will be joining us by ferry on the day, as I feel it only right my boys see what may be their father’s final resting place.

We’ll be setting out just after midday on September 8 from GAFIR’S Lifeboat station, Portsmouth for this year’s event, hoping the tide will carry us to the left, then back in to land at Ryde on the Isle of Wight, rather than Zakynthos.

http://swim2bestival.blogspot.com/

The lifeboat guy looked less than impressed at my swiming prowess on this visit to the Solent. As we chatted, he looked me up and down, asking, ‘so are you a STRONG swimmer?’ ‘You’ve down this sort of thing BEFORE, right?’ Then as we parted his eyes went misty and he nodded ‘GOOD LUCK, MATE,’ in the sombre tone monkey keepers must’ve sent the first chimps into outer space with.

I was out of breath just struggling to squeeze into my wetsuit. My pal Andrew,- who’ll be doing the swim too, tried his best to hide his exasperation.

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Well I did promise swimsuit pix.

Eight weeks to go! There’s still time to sponsor me and help Families Against Neuroblastoma: http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN – splash the cash and I’ll post even more swimsuit photos!

And there’s still time to book tickets for Bestival and smugly appreciate the convenience of boat travel: www.bestival.net/

I’m off now for a serious sporting endeavour. School sports day and the dads’ race. Some of the dads were limbering up this morning and were bringing starting blocks and everything.

Wish me luck!

Ben x

s***t creek

Solent today… a glassy sheet of calm waters as still as a mirror. Or a warm bath.  

Wonder if armbands are allowed?

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

 

Which is the most middle class festival?

Apparently, Michael Eavis has been gagging on his homegrown artichokes about how middle class Glastonbury’s become.

Worrying (-my favourite passtime) about how my speedos would fit in with Bestival’s fancy dress theme, I began to wonder which IS the most middle class festival?

In the old days festivals were affairs where you’d be scared to leave your tent in case you ran into people like this:

Nowadays, you’re more likely to be queuing for houmous & flatbread with people like this:

Eavis may have a point, especially as this year to get to Glastonbury you needed an array of fast-broadband computers to rival a stockbroker’s to bag a ticket online, unless you went VIP TeePee.

So WHICH is the most middle class festival?

Probably NOT Glastonbudget in Leicestershire which angrily shouts: “FACT- this year you wont even pay more than 50p for a hot drink! That’s a FACT!” The “World’s Best Tribute Festival. EVER” also boasts the Antarctic Monkeys, Blings of Leon, Oasish, the Fillers & “REAL ACT: Doctor & the Medics.”

And probably not V Festival. Because it’s in Chelmsford. Wear wellies to wade through the ankle-deep discarded fried chicken boxes, fast-food wrappers & ketchup.

So is it the Big Chillax – where you can get the best falafel this side of Tripoli?

The Sussex highbrow hijinks that is Lah-titude – where dodgy dancing will be put to shame by Saddlers Wells performers?

Is it one dreamt up by the smug marketing team of fruit smoothies, where it’s not just the music that’s live, but the yoghurt too?

Or is it indeed Bestival, with Pimms bus & Boden shop?

And if Bestival’s face-painters aren’t beseiged by yummy mummies, how about Breastival- ( www.thebreastfeedingfestival.org.uk ) where you can all lie in a giant breast-shaped circle, or be lectured on The Role of Men in Breastfeeding (- which I thought was looking sheepishly at your shoes?)

Lettuce know what you think, below – also any tips about not drowning on my swim2bestival appreciated! And any tips about how my speedos could fit in with this year’s Bestival’s fancy dress theme of ‘Rock Stars, Pop Stars & Divas’?

Sponsor me : http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN & I promise more pictures of me in my swimwear!

Love, Ben.

Why I’m fundraising for FAN – urgent appeal: Alex Noble

Urgent appeal on behalf of Families Against Neuroblastoma: Alex Noble

Alex is a beautiful, happy, cheeky, 2 year old boy who loves Buzz Lightyear, the Gruffalo, Lego, playing in his garden and having fun with his little brother.

News image oneHowever, he was diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma in June 2010, aged 20 months. After various treatments, he relapsed recently.

Alex now faces further surgery and chemotherapy to try and battle this awful disease, but unfortunately Britain lags behind other countries in introducing the latest medicines and procedures. This means that to have the best chance of survival, his desperate family needs to look abroad for help and this comes at huge financial cost.

Alex is a precious son, big brother, grandson, cousin and nephew, and his bravery and strength have been an inspiration to them. He’s never stopped smiling even when enduring the most gruelling of treatment and touches the hearts of everyone he meets.

Please help give Alex the best chance he can have by helping FAN raise £150,000 for a therapy called RIST in Germany that is showing amazing results on other UK children in Alex’s situation.

Thank you:

http://www.familiesagainstneuroblastoma.org/FamiliesAgainstNeuroblastoma_alex_noble.html

All the gear and no idea

Gimp my ride

This is the simple 16-step process of squeezing into a neoprene triathlon swimsuit:

Half an hour squeezing my lardy self into the first swimsuit and I did indeed feel like I’d done a triathlon.

The second one I tried on in the triathlon shop cut off circulation to all kinds of important parts.

And by the time I’d struggled into the figure-hugging third suit (which had already broken the £150 mark) I had to ask the shop staff to help me get out of it again. As I had lost all strength in my hands.

Still, flattering aren’t they:

After trying on half a dozen swimsuits, I was beginning to turn blue, could no longer lift my arms, and my testicles had been squeezed back inside my groin.

The patient staff at Bike and Run in East Finchley had by now watched their lunch from the chippie go cold, and looked as if squeezing me in and out of these suits had kind of killed their appetites anyway.

Swimsuit number 7 was definitely the one, they all agreed. A perfect fit. And hi-tec enough to keep my whole body not only warm – but streamlined as I’d bob across the Solent waves like a rubber duck. 

I was too exhausted to disagree. Let alone speak.

I won’t reveal how much I spent, to purchase something that makes me look rather like a gimp who’s lost their mask:

Batman Begins... in East Finchley

Batman Begins... in East Finchley

Somehow I was happy to pay all that for the staff to just let me out of the rubbery torture costume. I’d hoped it would accentuate my athletic physique somewhat. But for some reason I resembled the unironic rubber-clad people I’d glimpsed the only time I’ve ever wandered (BY MISTAKE) in – and straight back out again – of an S&M club. Funnily enough Bike and Run didn’t seem to sell many bicycles with me staggering about the shop stuck-fast in waterproof neoprene…

Now to don it for a trial swim at the lido in Hampstead Heath. My outdoor swimming pal Pat insists it’s the best place to put me through my paces.

That’s if I ever manage to squeeze myself into this ridiculous thing.

Not sure how it’s going to go down on the C11 bus to Hampstead Heath.

Love,

Sportacus x.

PS: While I’m mincing around Hampstead Heath like a fat Sportacus, help FAN help some kids with Neuroblastoma:  http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

And this is what FAN do – Madison’s story

Why I think FAN are a brilliant charity:
 

Madison

Madison goes to school

Brave Madison Allan, 6,  is back at school after responding well to treatment in Germany.

Her family said the return to lessons was a ‘great sign’ and said that she would now undergo therapy at the new Manchester Children’s Hospital until returning to Germany.

After a relapse, medics in this country had said her cancer was terminal, but Madison has been undergoing hi-tech treatment in the city of Greifswald on the Baltic Coast, currently not available in the UK.

The treatment involves a drug course similar to chemotherapy designed to shrink the tumour wrapped around Madison’s internal organs.

This could be followed by an operation and course of anti-bodies to hopefully clear the cancer altogether.

It is thought that a full range of treatments on the tumour, which Madison has had since the age of 10 months, could cost around £250,000.

At last count the appeal had raised £65,000 but mum Samantha said: “There is money coming in all the time.”

Their are plenty of hurdles ahead for Madison Allan. To find out more about Madison:

http://www.familiesagainstneuroblastoma.org/Latest_News_madison_school.html

Wishing Madison and her family all the best,

Ben.