The tricky cold bollock stage

Well… was hoping the weather would be better, but I’m told yesterday’s 3ft waves are subsiding. 

Fellow swimmer Andrew Hudson’s just sent me this photo of what the Solent looks like now:

uh oh

Apparently there’s a swell left from yesterday’s big waves and it’s still choppy in the middle. (Don’t think swell means good.) The canoeists accompanying us tomorrow are discussing conditions right now, as they can’t go out if they’ll keep capsizing. So fingers crossed! The 12 Bestival swimmers should be setting off from GAFIRS lifeboat station, Stokes Bay, Gosport at 11.30AM tomorrow, or if it’s still too choppy, Friday at 12.30PM.

(UPDATE: SWIM’S ON FOR TOMORROW!!!!)

So I should be in my wetsuit about 11AM tomorrow , having handed my canoeist a carrier bag with my asthma spray, a high energy drink or two and a packet of shark repellent. (£8.85 from Amazon. So it must work.)

(You thought I was joking, Andrew!)

Then I’ll be running into the waves, complaining about how cold the water is for a bit, until I get past the tricky cold bollock stage. At which point it’ll be OK as I’ll still be able to stand up for a bit, then, a few steps later, it’s time to swim! Four miles. To Ryde Westsands.

As well as the kayaks, there’ll be a mother ship (called Alice, apparently) driven by Alan who will be communicating with the coastguard, Southampton VHS and the Queens Harbour master, Portsmouth. They in turn inform all the other mariners including ferry and shipping companies as we swim through the busy shipping lane that serves Portsmouth and Southampton docks. And I get a tap on the shoulder with a canoe stick if any shipping’s coming through.

I’ve been told we can’t get insurance for the sea bit, but we are insured for the shore bit. Which will be reassuring as I cross the road to the treacherously pebbly beach. 

So hopefully the gusty South Westerly winds blowing waves against us as we swim to the Isle of Wight will chillax a little bit.

And here’s what you can do:

At 11.30AM tomorrow, please, please, please, please, if you’re anywhere BUT the Isle of Wight, please turn South to face the Isle of Wight, take a deep breath. And then blow as hard as you can. 

(If you live on the Isle of Wight, you suck. Yes you do.) 

I’m no Michael Fish, but there must be a small chance that will dampen the wind down, and if not, at least I might get off slightly at the thought of everybody blowing me.

What else you can do: http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN 
– Please help me help Families Against Neuroblastoma help children all over the country battling our deadliest childhood cancer. It needn’t be. Every little bit really counts, and it just takes a minute to click on the link above and help. So please pass the link on!

I’ll be thinking of Ashley Hyde’s family tomorrow (see my previous post below) who have tirelessly fundraised for FAN. Brave Star Wars fan Ashley sadly lost his final battle against Neuroblastoma, aged 7, one year ago, on September 8, 2010.  May the force be with you, Ashley!

Will keep you posted,

Slightlylessfatboyswim x

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Page 3 Swimwear Shots

The stroke known as Front crawl was first glimpsed in this country in 1844, in a competitive swim between some British champs and two visiting Native American swimmers named Flying Gull and Tobacco.

While the Brits swam their customary gentlemanly breast stroke, Flying Gull and Tobacco beat them every time with their bizarre swimming technique.

A newspaper report moaned: ‘Their style of swimming is totally non-European. They lash the water violently with their arms, like the sails of a windmill, and beat downwards with their feet, blowing with force, and forming grotesque antics.’ And for at least another 30 years Victorians refused to have anything to do with the North American’s technique, which they branded ‘barbaric’ and ‘ungentlemanly.’

Front crawl’s come a long way since then. But for me, the apotheosis of ‘ungentlemanly’ and ‘grotesque antics’ will be witnessed this Thursday, as I paddle across the Solent towards Bestival. (With probably loads more ‘grotesque antics’ when I get there too!)

I’m literally wetting my wetsuit at the increasingly hysterical weather forecast for Thursday: http://www.metcheck.com/V40/UK/FREE/dayforecast.asp?zipcode=Ryde&day=3

(enormous winds & gusts against us as we set out towards Ryde. WTF!)

So I may indeed be ‘lashing violently’ before I even dip toe in water.

The other important target I’ve yet to reach is my fundraising for childhood cancer charity Families Against Neuroblastoma.

I’m only £50 off my target – you could push me over today : http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

Been nice knowing you,

Ben x

PS: Since the last list of weird search engine referrals to this blog, apparently these typed in searches have stumbled upon it too:

    • fat wetsuit dude

    • wetsuit for woman fetish
    • huge jellyfish sting
    • ben belblum superjournalist and swimmer (this one I like… apart from the Ed Millibandish spelling of my name)
    • the shark from jaws where is it now? (is Google a bit broken?)
  • sock fetish dvds
  • ass swim pic
  • swimming costumes for fat boys
  • wetsuit triathlon fetish

and many, many more too disturbing to mention…though while you’re all here, feel free to sponsor us too:

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

PPS: If you really like photos of guys in wetsuits all that much, there’s a page three swimwear shot of me and fellow Bestival swimmer Andrew Hudson today. Page three of the Guardian G2 section, that is! Along with some advice I got from Basement Jaxx’s Simon Ratcliffe who did the swim last year: http://gu.com/p/3xjbv Simon told me he missed the freezing cold lido at 7.30am with all the eccentric characters you get ploughing across the chilly water so much that he had to do another swim this summer, the Hellespont in Turkey – from Europe to Asia. Not sure if I’ll feel the same after Thursday…

all going swimmingly…

Just over two weeks to go and do I feel ready to swim the Solent?

Well … I’ve sprung a leak in my gimpsuit – I mean wetsuit – and had to send it back… So I might now have to actually invest in some goosefat if it doesn’t return in time. (Wonder if that will actually keep me warm or just make me taste better for sharks?) As a vegetarian, is olive oil a passable alternative to goose fat?

I’ve swum 4k (need to get up to 6K) at the lido and it took two and a half hours- far too long. Though I did learn a valuable lesson: Swimming in a less than tepid lido after eating an extra-hot vindaloo-strength prawn curry the night before isn’t the best idea. Not unless you want to wind-surf. Every 20 or so lengths I had to run to the toilet. (If my swimsuit gets fixed in time for my swim2bestival, and I’m zipped into it I wonder what am I meant to do if I need a toilet half way across? Hold onto a boat and hastily peel myself out?) I’ve got a stinking cold from swimming in freezing lidos, snot’s pouring onto the keyboard as I type.

I’m being overtaken by pensioners in the fastlane in the swimming pool. And every other swimmer’s offered me conflicting advice about how I should be swimming. Longer strokes. Shorter strokes. Elbows higher. Hands lower. Hands to the side. Don’t kick your legs- just use them for balance. Kick your legs 6 times per stroke. Everybody suddenly seems to know a lot more about swimming than me.

Solent / isle of Wight

Had a practice swim in Selsey, Sussex last weekend, and it was rather wavy to say the least. The Isle of Wight looks a lot further away from here, and it certainly seemed so, as every time I looked at it I got a mouthful of salty wave, and a faceful of seaweed. It was like swimming through a stormy cup of miso soup. Gone cold.

As if having to wear a wetsuit isn’t bad enough, I’ve been told to wear a swimcap. For visibility. My own – to see through my shaggy hair. And other boats/windsurfers etc who might mistake me for the sea as I splash about ineffectually.

charity swim to isle of wight

that's stray seaweed around my neck

They won’t be able to miss me now with my banana-coloured ill-fitting head condom.

So just over two weeks to go and I guess I feel as ready as ever. Which is a lot less ready than I hoped I’d feel by now!!!

Re: fundraising: I’m 2/3 of the way there- so thank you very much everyone who’s kindly sponsored me and suppported me thus far! And anyone that hasn’t yet please click on:

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

-It takes just a minute & will help FAN save children with Britain’s most dangerous childhood cancer- Neuroblastoma.

Yours swimmingly,

Slightlylessfatboyswims x

jellyfish soup

I was the only person swimming at the lido early this grey morning.

Unsurprising, as by this point in the summer holidays, it’s got the same water content as a urinal. And it was so cold, I’ve only just been able to coax my testicles back down again with the promise of a hot bath, with radox and everything.

And I doubt my balls would ever be decending again if they read all the headlines about the ‘Jellyfish Soup’ forming around the British coastline due to clement conditions for these unedifying floaty invertebrates.

Reading about all the stingy ones washing up on our shores, I can’t help but wonder if I’m allergic.

What if I get anaphlaptic shock on my charity swim to the Isle of Wight in three weeks’ time? ( http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN )

I don’t know about you, but I’ve often wondered about how I’d best like to die.

I’ve come to the dramatic. But I’d also quite like it to be in bed. In fact I’d like it to be both. At the same time… Something pervy and dangerous… Or a sinister bedroom murder…

Any of those would do. But certainly not at sea. And definitely not as some sort of anaphlaptic reaction – a death I can barely spell. And not after being inadvertently stung by a sort of bloated floating transparent slug.

Big jellyfish doing impression of Don King

So now this blog has an added element of suspense about whether I’ll swim all the way without some sort of mishap, feel free to cut and paste any bits for an obituary. Though please not the bit above about how I’d like to die. Not unless I really do manage to swim across the Solent and then actuallly do die in some sexy/sinister bedroom mishap.

And here’s a cut out and keep jellyfish guide issued by the Marine Conservation Society who are all very excited about the unprecedented proliferation of Jellyfish swarms around our shores:

don't really want to end up wearing any of these as a hat

And in the spirit of educating you lot about our wobbly friends, here’s some

AMAZING JELLYFISH FACTS:

Bastard jellyfish can still sting when they’re dead.

If I get stung by a jellyfish, it’s helpful to wee on me.

Jellyfish reproduce both sexually and asexually in one of nature’s most romantic celebrations of life. There’s daddy jellyfish and mummy jellyfish. When daddy’s sperm are ready, he gobs them from his mouth into the surrounding sea, where they swim into mummy jellyfish’s mouth and fertilize her eggs. The fertilized ‘planula’ are then abandoned over the sea bottom, where these unloved little blighters latch onto anything solid in their miserable lives, splitting asexually until there’s enough for a swarm.

In some parts, Jellyfish are a tasty snack. But do dry them first, as they go off quickly!

The box jellyfish kills more people than any other marine animal. If stung your chance of making it back to shore or surviving are virtually 0%. These great big bastards can move at 2 metres a second and have 64 arseholes.

The largest jellyfish ever found was a Lion’s Mane Jellyfish with tentacles 120ft long, making it the longest animal ever found.

Jellyfish are brainless. They’re not fish. They’re about 98% water. Like spongebobs they are almost plants, but not quite, as they have to eat stuff which makes them an animal. Or something like that. I don’t really care enough.

Just three weeks to go before I swim to the Isle of Wight, and if you don’t want me to bore you with any more jellyfish facts, please sponsor me & help Families Against Neuroblastoma help some brave young children battling this cancer right now:

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

Love,

Ben.

SWIMSTAKES!

These are some of the most popular search terms that have brought people to this blog this week, according to wordpress:

‘swimwear’

‘most dangerous shark in the world’

‘boys swimwear pics’

‘triathlon guys’

– I can only speculate about which of these searches faced the most disappointment.

As none of the search terms included ‘The Ben Gelblum Swim2Bestival office (or home) swimstakes ™’ , I had better remedy that with this easy-to-cut-out Ben Gelblum Swim2Bestival office (or home) swimstakes ™.

Just cut out these options and you can have a sweepstakes gamble type thing with your colleagues/friends/family about my athletic & fundraising prowess or watery demise in the Swim2Bestival on September 8:

SWIMSTAKES!

And if you’ve got time to do that, you’ve DEFINITELY got time to click on this:

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN 

and sponsor my once-in-a-lifetime athletic endeavour and help lots of children in urgent need of cancer treatment.

Do it today! It’s Neuroblastoma Awareness Week, so please spread the word!

Yours swimmingly,

or not really swimmingly today as I’ve got a sniffly nose,

Ben x

PS: sponsor me now: http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN

Loose Swimmin

So this blog doesn’t stray too far into the territory of outdoor fetish-wear, here’s a bit about swimming that I’ve just worked out.

In seven and a half week’s time (gulp) I’ll have to swim this far – about 4 miles, or 6 km from Gosport to where my son Rocky’s pointing, Ryde, on the Isle of Wight.

yeah, sure, Dad!

The fastest Swim2Bestival was an awe-inspiring 83 minutes last year, the slowest so far, just over 3 hours.
The trail I’ll be blazing on September 8th will probably be the aquatic equivalent of London Marathon’s slowest-ever ‘Brian the Snail’: however long it takes the ocean currents to bring me back to the Isle of Wight.
 
A beginner triathlete – ie: someone rather better at swimming than me – swims 25 yards front crawl in 20 strokes. If I can manage that, it should only take me me a total of 2,816 strokes to reach Ryde, burning a total 1,736 calories – the equivalent of 6 Marathons.
– I am, of course, not referring to the athletic endeavour, but the chocolate bar now better known as Snickers.
Watching TV apparently burns 145 calories per hour. Making my swim the equivalent of just under 11 hours of telly viewing.
– I guess that’s like watching a DVD boxset with all the extras.
I’ve never owned a DVD boxset, but I guess if I’m to attain such a level of fitness, I’d better be off to Blockbusters this afternoon to invest in some.
I wonder if Baywatch Series 1 burns off more than The Wire?
 

Anyway, enough about swimming.  This week will be International Neuroblastoma Week – find out more: http://www.familiesagainstneuroblastoma.org/

So help stop this child-killer claiming more lives & sponsor me now: http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN .

At least that’ll shut me up for a bit!

Why do I think this is important? Read this: https://fatboyswim.wordpress.com/about/

& feel free to comment below please,

All the Bestival,

Ben x

Swimwear photos – as promised.

Woody concerned about his father

Sigh. So here are some swimwear photos as promised. And that’s the Isle of Wight in the background. Behind all the shipping.

Practising in the Solent was rather different than braving the gently-lapping crystal-clear waters of Ibiza last month, – where the only thing to worry about were ageing nudists on the beach – who seemed to be bending right over every time I came up for breath.

(What is it with naturists? They seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time bending right over, as if they’ve lost something very small in the sand that takes absolute ages to find. That’s not natural. That’s what my nine-year-old Rocky would refer to as pulling a moonie.)

I'll show you how it's done Dad

Anyway at least Rocky has finally stopped insisting on joining us on the 4 mile swim across to Bestival on the Isle of Wight, after swimming his heart out – and going backwards in the fast currents of the murky Solent.

He will be joining us by ferry on the day, as I feel it only right my boys see what may be their father’s final resting place.

We’ll be setting out just after midday on September 8 from GAFIR’S Lifeboat station, Portsmouth for this year’s event, hoping the tide will carry us to the left, then back in to land at Ryde on the Isle of Wight, rather than Zakynthos.

http://swim2bestival.blogspot.com/

The lifeboat guy looked less than impressed at my swiming prowess on this visit to the Solent. As we chatted, he looked me up and down, asking, ‘so are you a STRONG swimmer?’ ‘You’ve down this sort of thing BEFORE, right?’ Then as we parted his eyes went misty and he nodded ‘GOOD LUCK, MATE,’ in the sombre tone monkey keepers must’ve sent the first chimps into outer space with.

I was out of breath just struggling to squeeze into my wetsuit. My pal Andrew,- who’ll be doing the swim too, tried his best to hide his exasperation.

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Well I did promise swimsuit pix.

Eight weeks to go! There’s still time to sponsor me and help Families Against Neuroblastoma: http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN – splash the cash and I’ll post even more swimsuit photos!

And there’s still time to book tickets for Bestival and smugly appreciate the convenience of boat travel: www.bestival.net/

I’m off now for a serious sporting endeavour. School sports day and the dads’ race. Some of the dads were limbering up this morning and were bringing starting blocks and everything.

Wish me luck!

Ben x

s***t creek

Solent today… a glassy sheet of calm waters as still as a mirror. Or a warm bath.  

Wonder if armbands are allowed?

http://www.bmycharity.com/swim2bestival4FAN