One of the school mums has been angrily dragging me to the Finchley Lido in disgust at my pedestrian attitude to my swimming training.
‘What stroke do you call that?’ my school-gate-mate despairs as I struggle to keep up.
‘Um.. Front crawl? Long stroke.. Long crawl? Sea swimming. I don’t know? Freestyling, man, it’s meant to stop me sinking. Help me float. Make me more efficient.’
‘Well. It’s f*****g slow.’
At least now the summer holidays have started I won’t have to dodge all the dive-bombing school swimming trips.
They take up half the pool. AND I bet they haven’t ALL gone to the toilet before diving in.
And where are their verruca socks? When I went swimming as a schoolboy, statistically one or two kids in each class had to endure the shameful stigma of wearing a verruca sock.
Now a whole school and not even one sock. Verrucas haven’t been eradicated. You can still buy the latex socks. I checked on google. What’s wrong with people? They’re happy to look like dicks travelling to work wearing a facemask in case someone happens to sneeze swine flu into their gob. Yet they wouldn’t dream of sending their cheery brat to the swimming pool with a latex sock covering their verruca-encrusted foot to protect everyone else, – in case they get teased.
When I grew up, parents enjoyed dressing you in shameful stuff that would get you teased. They insisted on it. OR was that just my experience…
I guess there’s only one item of swimwear that I find as scary a verruca sock, and that’s the FISTGLOVE ™.
‘The WHAT?’ I asked my fellow Swim2Bestival swimmer Andrew, trying not to giggle like a schoolboy.
‘The FISTGLOVE ™’ explained Andrew, patiently, ‘ – when you wear it you can’t use your fingers, so it helps you practise using your whole body to power you through the water. I’ll just get them… I think they’re in the bedroom…’
Maybe not everyone is as smutty as me.
I hope not.
Though… Scarily,- according to wordpress, – this weekend two people came upon this blog having typed ‘wetsuits fetish boys’ into google. (- Um, maybe I should change that to ‘stumbled’ upon this blog.) So I’d better stop going on about FISTGLOVE ™.
However you’ve come across this blog, there’s just over a month left to please sponsor my swim to the Isle of Wight and help some really brave children with a lot worse to face than verruca socks (see previous posts) :
Off to the pool with my FISTGLOVE ™,